Apologies from a body

Hi Luke,

How’s it hanging? Wait! Don’t answer that because I already know and we need not get into that fight again. I guess I owe you an apology. Well, not really, we both worked pretty hard to fuck each other up. Let’s call it my guilty conscience — What? Bodies have a conscience, the digestive system actually has a brain of its own, you know. You’re not the only sentient entity in this package; me and my (our) stomach brain feel too — because I’ve seen a lot of apologies to bodies today and it’s got me a little sentimental and teary — well, stomach brain doesn’t get teary, it gets gassy, but I don’t need to tell you that, amiright?!

So, here it is, bitchlips. I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit of a pain in the <insert piece of me here> over the years. They say that you get out what you put in, but that’s assuming I’m one for consistency — spoiler alert, I’m not one for consistency.

Sorry about the time you did an awesomely healthy detox and I gave you the flu for a month.

Sorry about the time you were trying to reach your goal weight with lots of exercise and I started storing fat cells plucked from the errant fumes of KFCs in neighbouring suburbs.

Sorry about the time you went on a huge bender, taking every drug under the sun, and I decided to act like I was fitter than I ever was and make you believe there was causation between the drugs and my efficiency.

Sorry about the strawberry-shaped birthmark on my (our) left arm that everyone thinks is a hideous burn mark when they don’t slowly creep away with “STD” puffing up in a thought bubble over their heads.

Wow, I realise now that I could spend quite a lot of time listing instances of where I have been a downright arsehole. So, let’s make this sorry an overarching “sorry” to cover all previous and future — I’m afraid I ain’t going to change — cases where I do the completely opposite of what you would expect.

We’ve had some good times though, right? And you’ve been a bit of burden on me on the odd occasion — remember that time when you were doing shift work and let me balloon out to a size worthy of a Jerry Springer/Oprah/Talkshow-collaborative-effort intervention?

This thing we have, it’s one of a kind. We’re not going to get through it of course, nobody’s getting out of this alive, but we’re the definition of marriage. Death is the only thing that will part us.

Peace, and rethink that next scotch, you should probably head to bed.

Much love,

Your body

Submitted by rakuli

Apology to my body

I’d like to apologize for all the mountains of processed garbage and excess of sugar, salt and every other damn thing I’ve put in you, this doesn’t however mean I’ll stop doing that, just a heads up. I’d also like to apologize for not treating you good or working out, I hope you don’t take it to heart if I ever need to outrun the police, pit bulls or murderers.

Submitted by moaningatmidnight

Apologies to my body

Apology? First, let me say, hello gorgeous. Except for Mr. Liver, you are still looking pretty good. I would apologize for treating my hand and penis like they were a roller coaster in my backyard that I couldn’t wait to ride every day … But we both know we liked it. I will say I am sorry to my heart, though. My brain let it break too often.

Submission by jake501

Apology to my body

I am not sure really if this will ever get through, but sorry. You sick fuck. Sorry (breathe…) for (…slowly) you are your own encumbrance, and there might be no other way but to accept this.

Submission by badpipes

Apologies to my body

I apologize to my body for all the life I tried to take. I’m sorry I took the anger of the world out on you. I apologize for betraying your strength with lingering weakness. I’m sorry I can’t promise you’ll ever be safe.

Submission by slimwarriorkhan

Dear Body:

Do I owe you an apology? After all I do for you, you need an apology? Fine. Here it is. Forgive me for testing your limits, for every moment I laughed at your clumsiness, for each time I didn’t retreat just to preserve your precious surface, for enjoying the pressure I placed on you. Forgive me for living as I wish. On second thought, don’t.

Submission by soul-in-division

Apologies to my body

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve silenced your natural wisdom out of fear, embarrassment and sheer ignorance. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve stopped your voice from singing your most joyful, carnal songs.

Submitted by mslabyrinth

Apologies to my body

I have let you slip. I always told you I’d never take them but they make things better don’t make things any worse…. only way is up.

Submission by theeixtisontheleft

Apologies to my body

I’m sorry that I let you think beauty lies in fashion magazines, rather than the mirror.

Submitted by inrhapsodicchaos

Apology to my body

I am sorry I made you an unwanted immigrant in your own country. 

Submitted by viperslang

Apologies to my body

I am sorry for not listening, I thought the pain was good for me. 

Submitted by grabthelight

Apologies to my body #4

I apologise for underestimating you, time and again. You fucking mind-blowing thing, you amaze me. I apologise for not treating you as I would a friend or a lover.

You are my most enduring friend and lover.

Apologies to my body #3

I apologise for stopping you from dancing. This is particularly unforgivable - the act of keeping you from your favourite expression - and I am so very sorry.

Apologies to my body #2

I apologise for letting unworthy hands touch you. I am sorry for permitting every man who treated you like a glamorous place to deposit his sin.

Apologies to my body #1

I apologise for my tireless campaigns - conscious or not - to make you less than you are.