And suddenly you caught a glimpse of beauty and it’s as if someone opened the cage door and let you out of the iron vise of your mind. And not one thing has changed from the moment before, but everything looks and feels completely different.
I am lucky that happiness is never too far from me. I can find it in a walk in nature, in the smile of my best friend or just the stillness inside that inherently tells me you are going to be alright even at the most painful of times.
I have come to accept that there will always be this ebb and flow. That the idea of ever-lasting, all-encompassing happiness is a myth, and one we chase by creating this perceived future where everything will be better, we will better, fitter, thinner, wealthier, more successful, more loved etc. etc. ad nauseam.
Even when we achieve those things we think we want, we realise that the emptiness and dissatisfaction is still there because we haven’t dealt with what’s really going on inside us.
We all live with our shame, our rejections, our fear that we are not enough. We think that makes us unlovable - but it doesn’t at all. The superficial things we chase will not make us happier, or better. Ourselves, as we are, are happening right fucking now, and we’re missing it.
I’m still learning this, and still trying to remember it every day, and it’s fucking hard. The temptation to distract myself from the inherent, human emptiness by texting, posting bullshit selfies, dieting, lusting after unattainable people, sex, comparing myself to others, writing the same bullshit self-stories over and over, dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past, thinking about the times I’ve been rejected and what that confirms about the fear I’ve always had about myself. I’m not enough.
Happiness comes to us, and it leaves us. This is a fact.
The emptiness, the shame, the fear, the anxiety, the worry - they will also come naturally, as they are meant to. I truly believe (because I have lived it over and over) that avoiding these, that shutting them out by drugging ourselves with distraction just makes them worse.
You will feel happiness again. I don’t know what it is that has brought the sadness, or the fear to you, but you can and will survive it.
If it is the loss of love - as so often is the case - you will eventually realise that you do not need somebody else’s love to survive. When we’re infants, it is true that we will die without the love of a mother or carer to help us survive. As adults, we instinctively carry this loss of love = death fear with us, and we needn’t do so.
Geneen Roth tells us: “But the person who would be killed, the “I” in the “pain is big and I am small” belief, is an idea, a memory, an image of yourself left over from childhood. You already felt destroyed. That was then. You will never be that small again. You are not dependent on someone else to hold you, to love you so that you can continue breathing.”
This may be a valuable thought to hold in mind as we experience our shame, fear, worry and depression.
The latter is particularly difficult, and I am lucky enough never to have experienced any severe bout of it. I have loved people with depression, and seen how unimaginably difficult it is for them. There is this belief that depression is merely a mindset, something that can be snapped out of, and that is destructive and untrue. It is a physical illness, and must be treated as such. However, I have seen depression ease with self-learning, along with medication and therapy.
Much is made of happiness, my friend. And when it comes to us it is joyous and wondrous and precious. But do not be afraid of your suffering. It is in your suffering that truly know yourself, and through your suffering that you can appreciate happiness when it comes.
The fleeting little bastard.
I wrote this for a friend. Thought I would share it with you, too. x
"The scars in your heart
and your mind
echo those on my skin
and darkly dreamt,
you’ve drawn me in.”
And surely one day I will be defeated by the memories that lurk about this city, waiting for me to find them and choke on them all over again.
Apology to my body
I’m sorry, I let strange men fuck you and violate you with their damaged souls. You deserved better and I hope you understand. But words are easy to say, and you are a channel to those one night affairs. Now I understand you need somebody who will always be there.
Submitted by ladyfunnybones
Apology to my body
I’m sorry I hated your curves. I compared you to the thin Amazons who caught the boys’ eyes and you always came up lacking. I’m sorry I disliked you and found flaws in your scars. I’m sorry I was afraid of your failure. You’ve never failed me. And now I trust your reaction most. I accept you as the strong warrior that you are and see your muscles as a virtue, not a liability.
This coming year, I’ll transform you into iron and cross an epic finish line under your power. We’ll go places, you and I. And feel pleasure never before experienced. I’m sorry I kept you secreted away for so long, but I promise I’ll make it up to you. One blissful moment at a time. We won’t waste another day waiting for joy to arrive. We will create a deep salty pool of possibility. And then dive in head first. Let’s go swimming.
Submitted by ladymycroft
I’m sorry for the war. I’m sorry for the sleep deprivation. I’m sorry for the bruises and broken bones. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep the blood in you. I’m sorry, hands, that you had to lose that pretty veneer and become pitted with scars. I’m sorry you’ve had to feel that stomach-churning and sticky warmth so often. I’m sorry arms, that you’ve been stabbed so many times with needles full of ink and other things that folks laughingly called medicine. I’m sorry shoulders, in your restless vigilance, that you’ve borne the weight of all the things this poisoned and crippled mind has seen fit to create. I’m sorry, ribs, for the cracking that happens when I breathe in too deeply and for the hollow ringing sound that happens when I thump my chest. I’m sorry, waist, for both the negligence and obsession that have befallen you in my quest to feel as many hands as I can wander around you. I’m not sorry, cock. You’ve had it easy. But I’m sorry, legs, for how long I’ve forced you to carry me in my wanderings. Mile after mile, you’ve kept my head above the pavement and kept a clip beneath my feet - to whom I’m also sorry. I’m sorry you’ve had to touch down on scorched earth and unfriendly tiled floors so many times. And I’m sorry for keeping you bound in these boots, but I swear it’s for your own protection. I’m sorry, head, for how many times you’ve been bounced off of concrete and glass. I’m sorry for filling you with so much whiskey and dreams of romance. I’m sorry for disappointing you with the painful realization of boredom and the lies that keep things interesting. I’m sorry, heart, for- fuck. Fuck, just everything.
I’m sorry, body, for the things I’ve asked of you, but words cannot express how sorry I am for what is yet to be asked.
Submitted by chrow
Apologies my body
I don’t like your hair. I don’t like your nose. I don’t like your smile. I don’t like your voice. I don’t like your shape. I don’t like your height. I don’t like your weight. I don’t like the way you make me feel sometimes. I love the way you make me feel sometimes. And your weight is totally fine. Your height is average. Your shape is kind of great. Your voice is pretty nice. Your smile can be endearing. Your nose is handsome from some angles. Your hair is golden. You hold me back when I let you, but when I don’t let you, I love what you allow me to do. You are amazing. And I am you.
Submitted by espressoandsnow
Like dude, I’m sorry for getting you bruised up , beaten and broken.
Yea, a bit sorry also for drowning you in alcohol and filling you with all kinds of medicinal remedies.
Oh and about getting you shot three times…. Yea my bad
But dude, if you would only keep up with my mind you wouldn’t catch all the hell yanno….
So like yea I’m sorry I fucked you over and yea your probably …. No actually you are the best features of me and I’m sorry for thinking you could handle the vigorous challenges my mind pictured possible.
I’ll tell you what…. I’ll make it up to you
I’ll sprinkle flax seed into the cupcake mix and drink one glass of water for each shot of tequila….
Are we cool?
Yea ….. Thanks body
Apologies to my body
I am living under a cloud of insecurity that is constantly trying to drown me with endless monsoons. When I’m wet and cold I know I lash out at you as if this is all your fault, and maybe you can’t change the weather, but I know you will always get me to shelter. Thank you.
Submitted by peelmeoffthisvelcroseat
Apology To My Body
I apologise for my desire to fly and wishing I had wings, a lot of scars could have been avoided had I been content with you as you are. I do, however, hope we can both agree that it has been fun and interesting. I should also apologise for making this apology, it implies things are going to be different, and we both know they aren’t.
Submitted by monkeyerror
Apologies from a body
How’s it hanging? Wait! Don’t answer that because I already know and we need not get into that fight again. I guess I owe you an apology. Well, not really, we both worked pretty hard to fuck each other up. Let’s call it my guilty conscience — What? Bodies have a conscience, the digestive system actually has a brain of its own, you know. You’re not the only sentient entity in this package; me and my (our) stomach brain feel too — because I’ve seen a lot of apologies to bodies today and it’s got me a little sentimental and teary — well, stomach brain doesn’t get teary, it gets gassy, but I don’t need to tell you that, amiright?!
So, here it is, bitchlips. I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit of a pain in the <insert piece of me here> over the years. They say that you get out what you put in, but that’s assuming I’m one for consistency — spoiler alert, I’m not one for consistency.
Sorry about the time you did an awesomely healthy detox and I gave you the flu for a month.
Sorry about the time you were trying to reach your goal weight with lots of exercise and I started storing fat cells plucked from the errant fumes of KFCs in neighbouring suburbs.
Sorry about the time you went on a huge bender, taking every drug under the sun, and I decided to act like I was fitter than I ever was and make you believe there was causation between the drugs and my efficiency.
Sorry about the strawberry-shaped birthmark on my (our) left arm that everyone thinks is a hideous burn mark when they don’t slowly creep away with “STD” puffing up in a thought bubble over their heads.
Wow, I realise now that I could spend quite a lot of time listing instances of where I have been a downright arsehole. So, let’s make this sorry an overarching “sorry” to cover all previous and future — I’m afraid I ain’t going to change — cases where I do the completely opposite of what you would expect.
We’ve had some good times though, right? And you’ve been a bit of burden on me on the odd occasion — remember that time when you were doing shift work and let me balloon out to a size worthy of a Jerry Springer/Oprah/Talkshow-collaborative-effort intervention?
This thing we have, it’s one of a kind. We’re not going to get through it of course, nobody’s getting out of this alive, but we’re the definition of marriage. Death is the only thing that will part us.
Peace, and rethink that next scotch, you should probably head to bed.
Submitted by rakuli
Apology to my body
I’d like to apologize for all the mountains of processed garbage and excess of sugar, salt and every other damn thing I’ve put in you, this doesn’t however mean I’ll stop doing that, just a heads up. I’d also like to apologize for not treating you good or working out, I hope you don’t take it to heart if I ever need to outrun the police, pit bulls or murderers.
Submitted by moaningatmidnight
Apologies to my body
Apology? First, let me say, hello gorgeous. Except for Mr. Liver, you are still looking pretty good. I would apologize for treating my hand and penis like they were a roller coaster in my backyard that I couldn’t wait to ride every day … But we both know we liked it. I will say I am sorry to my heart, though. My brain let it break too often.
Submission by jake501